is a Hologram played
marvellously by Chris Barrie
and is the character in the series that everyone loves to hate.
He is a cowardly, snivelling, back-stabbing, weasely scumbag
and we all love him dearly.
you were to meet him in a pub he would be drinking Perrier water
and be the butt of numerous jokes concerning impotence.
Rimmers defence would be a very cutting personal comment.
This would cause a fight at which point of course, he would run
(sometimes known as Arny by female Holly and other female
holograms) was a service technician on Red Dwarf (and Lister's
immediate line manager). Despite numerous attempts to gain
promotion, he always remained lower in rank than even the four
ships service robots (Skutters).
However, he is almost fanatical about the military and has dreamed
of becoming an officer. He once explained that he once underwent
a hypnotist's regression and found that he was non other than
Alexandra the Greats Chief Eunuch! "
even to this day I cant look at a pair of nutcrackers without
and why every time Im with a large group of
woman I have this urge to bathe them in warm olive oil?"
fact, as a service technician, Rimmer was pretty poor. He would
give the impression of being conscientious and hardworking, but
could never apply himself and his work was always substandard.
In fact it was Rimmer who accidentally killed
ALL the ships crew when he failed to secure a Drive Plate properly
and released a lethal dose of Cadmium II radiation into the ships
has always been ineffective and dangerous; he once worked for
the Samaritans for an afternoon. He spoke to five people
and they all committed suicide! One was even a wrong number. All
he only phoned up for was the cricket scores!
Rimmer was resurrected as a hologram companion to stop Dave
Lister going bonkers. Holly
reasoned that Rimmer was a better companion because Lister had
spoken more words to Rimmer than any other crewmember. The fact
that of the 14 million words, 7 million were the words smeg-off
and the other 7 million were Rimmer putting him on report for
saying smeg-off didnt enter
into Hollys the calculation. Rimmer equates being a hologram
to, "Like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
once described Rimmer as, "having held a position
(on Red Dwarf) of little or no importance, he
was a lowly grease monkey
piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could
never come to terms with a lifetime of under achievement, his
absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He was like the security
guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation
look at this man, this man who sat and failed his astro navigation
exam on no less than 13 occasions, this sad man, this pathetic
man, this joke of a man
.. the Space Corps never allowed
this man to be in a position of authority where he might endanger
the entire crew. A man so petty and small minded that he would
while-away the evening sewing name-labels onto his ship issue
condoms. A man of such awesome stupidity, an over zealous trumped
up little squirt
.. an incompetent
vending machine repair man with a Napoleon complex
as much respect from his crew-members as Long John Silvers
parrot. Who would permit this man, this joke of a man, this
man who could not outwit a used tee-bag, to be in a position where
he might endanger the entire crew? who
. Only a yoghurt!
This man is only guilty of being Arnold J Rimmer. That is his
crime, it is also his punishment!"
colossal statement is accurate in EVERY respect! However
it is well recognised that Rimmers inability to be a warm
and loved member of the human race is down to his upbringing,
Lister once asked if
Rimmer had been close to his father. Rimmer replied, "Close?
I hated him, I detested his fat stupid guts, the popeyed balding
git!" Rimmer went on to mention that the only thing
he ever wanted from his father was the phrase, "Well
done!" Rimmer once tried to explain why he
was such a pratt, "My father was a half crazed military
failure, My mother a bitch queen from hell. My brothers had all
the looks and talent, and what did I have. Unmanageable hair and
in growing toenails."
of Rimmers famous catch phrases is "lickety-split!"
a fervent family man, his favourite book is How
to Pick Up Girls Through Hypnosis and he was
the proud owner of a punctured blow up doll called Rachel
(which he couldnt use since holograms cannot touch or feel
anything). He managed to get laid twice as a hologram!
(only once in real life - to Yvonne McGruder) The first time was
to Yvonne McGruder (ahhh) in a virtual
reality game called Better than Life
and the second was to an officer of a HoloShip. The later was
particularly revealing. His partner, the lovely Commander
Nirvana Crane described his lovemaking ability
. different, (the way she
said it was complementary), you (Rimmer)
make love like a Japanese meal, small portions but soooo many
courses!" She was so taken with Rimmers lovemaking
ability, that she even sacrificed herself for him! Which only
goes to show that holograms are indeed, very sad people!
Judas Rimmers has an Achilles Heal - the phrase
Gespatcho Soup. It has the
ability to really hurt, and were the last words he spoke before
his death. He explained, "It was the greatest night
of my life! Id been invited to the Captains Table. Id
only been with the company 14 years. Six officers and me, they
called me Arnold! We had Gespatcho Soup for starters. I didnt
know that Gespatcho Soup was meant to be served cold. I called
over the chef and told him to take it away and bring it back hot!
(You can just imagine the scene cant you)
He DID! The looks on their faces still haunt me today. I thought
they were laughing at the chef, when all the time they were laughing
at me! As I ate my piping hot Gespatcho Soup! I never ate at the
Captains Table again. That was the end of my career."
Rimmer has an alter-ego called Ace.
When Rimmer was at school he had the option of moving on a year
or staying back to re-take his exams. In real life he moved
on, but in an alternate dimention the other Rimmer was kept back.
It embarrassed him into 'buckling down' and 'working hard'
and in that dimention, he bacame Ace Rimmer.
Rimmer has always resented his alter-ego in the numerous episodes
that he has appeared. Every time Ace performs
some miracle of human strength, ingenuity or skill, Rimmer tries
to make fun, usually along the lines that Ace is gay, or that
Lister loves him. However,
in Season 7, Ace Rimmer died and Arnold took his place. In season
8 we see the live Rimmer, BEFORE he became a
hologram! (Confused? - me too!) Ace
persuaded Rimmer to fake his death and take on the persona of
Ace Rimmer. This he did and at Rimmers Holofuneral,
Lister read out a eulogy:
the Greats Chief Eunuch, has finally joined his master!
The guy who kept his underpants on coathangers and sewed name
labels into his ship issue condoms has passed on. Life will
never be the same. We have lost the finest, most dedicated vending
machine repairman that the Space Corps
no the universe,
has ever known. No one pressed for Coke and got Orange Juice
and Oxtail soup on his shift!
. Well actually thats
not true, we all did, but what the smeg, this is his eulogy! He
didnt have many friends, but those that he did have were
with him at the end
even Rachael, who I suppose, in
many ways, is his widow!.
was also know for making a complete smeg-up of just about every
Space Corps Directive he spoke. The
sent in a list that he'd compiled for your consideration:
"The first Space Corps Directive is mentioned in Polymorph.
Now although some might say it sounds as if there is only one
Directive in existance at the time this is said, I believe for
continuity reasons we must take the following quote as Kryten
mentioning a specific space corps directive that he thinks everyone
What about the Space Corps Directive which states, "It
is our primary overriding duty to contact other life forms,
exchange information, and, wherever possible, bring them home"?
Space Corps Directive #003
By joining Star Corps. each individual tacitly consents to give
up his inalienable rights to life, liberty, and adequate toilet
facilities. (yes it says Star Corps.)
Corps Directive #147
Crew members are expressly forbidden from leaving their vessel
except on production of a permit. Permits can only be issued
by the Chief Navigation Officer, who is expressly forbidden
from issuing them except on production of a permit.
Corps directive #169
It's never said what this directive says either but it's probably
has something to do with a sacrifice a hologramatic crew member
has to take for the benefit of the rest of the crew. Kryten
reminds Rimmer of this directive when he's mad about the "time-sharing"
idea with Dr. Landstrom.
Space Corp Directive 312 is never exactly
quoted so I have decided to include the conversation it is referenced
What about entertainment? You are obliged to provide us with
minimum leisure facilities. Games, literature, hobby activities,
RIMMER: And in accordance with Space Corps directive 312, you'll
find in the storage cupboard over there a chess set with 31
missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special
on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords
completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, "Wall-papering,
Painting, and Stipling -- a DIY guide."
Space Corps Directive #195
clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a hologrammatic
crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers
Space Corps Directive #349
Any officer found to have been slaughtered and replaced by a
shape-changing chameleonic life form shall forfeit all pension
Space Corps Directive #592
In an emergency situation involving two or more officers of
equal rank, seniority will be granted to whichver officer can
program a vcr.
Space Corps Directive #595
Allows you to keep people in Quarantine for a period of 3 months,
however if the people can use Space Corps Directive 699 to demand
a re-screening after five days, if no trace of diease is found
they can leave Quarantine.
Space Corps Directive #597
clearly states "One berth per registered crew member"
Space Corps Directive #723
Terraformers are expressly forbidden from recreating Swindon.
Space Corps Directive #997
Work done by an officer's doppleganger in a parallel universe
cannot be claimed as overtime.
Space Corps Directive #1694
During temporal disturbances, no questions shall be raised about
any crewmember whose timesheet shows him or her clocking off
187 years before he clocked on.
Space Corps Directive #1742
No member of the Corps should ever report for active duty in
a ginger toupee.
Space Corps Directive #1743
No registered vessel should attempt to transverse an asteroid
belt without deflectors.
Space Corps Directive #5796
No officer above the rank of mess sergeant is permitted to go
into combat with pierced nipples.
Space Corps directive #5797
Rimmer tries to use this as a reason not to let Lister in when
there is a chance he might be a Psiren. He never says what the
directive is but I would assume it is something about the safety
of the crew.
Space Corps Directive #7214
To perserve morale during long-haul missions, all male officers
above the rank of First Technician must, during panto season,
be ready to put on a dress and a pair of false breasts.
Space Corps Directive #7713
The log must be kept up to date at all times with current service
records, complete mission data, and a comprehensive and accurate
list of all crew birthdays so that senior officers may avoid
bitter and embarrassing silences when meeting in the corridor
with subordinates who have not received a card.
Space Corps Directive #34124
No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero
Space Corps Directive #43872
Suntans will be worn during off-duty hours only.
Space Corps Directive #68250
is never exactly quoted so I have decided to include the conversation
it was mentioned in:
RIMMER: That's it I'm invoking space corps directive 6_8_2_5_0
KRYTEN: 6_8_2_5_0? But sir, surely thats impossible without
at least one live chicken and a raabi.
RIMMER: Forget it. Forget I was ever born.
KRYTEN: But sir, I'm very happy to perform the ceremony, but
I'm bewildered as to how sacrificing poultry will clear up the
Space Corps Directive #196156
Any officer caught sniffing the saddle of the excercise bicycle
in the women's gym will be discharged without trial.
There is one Space Corps Directive about removing an irrational
person from duty, Rimmer tries to invoke it against Lister in
Rimmerworld. Rimmer gives the wrong number (196156) Kryten quotes
the directive Rimmer named and for once Rimmer does not give the
correct number afterward.
"Primordal Soup" has a Space Corps
Directive that was cut from the show.
Page 97 (Script of Back to Reality):
(Fzzt) Oh, yes, uhm, ahhh, well ... No, wait ... Ermmm ... Yes.
No. Better still ... Yes. Uh, suh, sir, I am invoking Space
Corps directive 1947945, which states clearly that a mechanoid
may issue orders to human crew members if the lives of said
crew members are directly or indirectly under threat from a
hitherto unperceived source and there is inadequate time to
explain the precise nature of the enormous and most imminent
... yes, terribly imminent, death threat. Under those conditions
I am therefore empowered to issue the order. (In the same tone)
Get the hell out of here."
The first Rimmer Directive is also mentioned
R: The Rimmer Directive which states, "Never tangle with
anything that's got more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?
Rimmer Directive 271 states clearly, "No chance you metal
R: Why does he only ever use them against me? Why never against
Lister? Why do we never hear him quoting a Space Corps directive
to clearly state "No crewmember should floss his teeth
with the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire contents
of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superior's bunk"?
We never hear that one, do we?
one has been mentioned, it was in Gunmen Of The Apocalypse. I
have included it in conversational mode because it's funnier that
I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act
of war, ergo, we surrender. And as prisoners of war I invoke
the all nations agreement article number 39436175880932/B.
KRYTEN: 39436175880932/B. All nations attending the conference
are only allocated one parking space. Is that entirely relevant
sir. I mean here we are, in mortal danger and you're worried
about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars.
Can't you let just one go, I was talking about the right of
P-O-W's to non-violent constraint.
KRYTEN: But that's 75880932/C, sir. "
James, yer a true SadGeezer :-)
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