You go to parties to eat.

When you/your wife gave birth to twins you wondered who the other man was.

You think Rimmer is cool.

You are not exactly cheap – but you are on ‘special’ this week.

You are only on this web site because the girl/boy you fancy is currently seeing an RED DWARF SAD GEEZER.

You are probably a reporter for the Daily Mail newspaper.

Red Dwarf Twerps are very scary people. You look at people with a hanged-dog expression and never stop talking about yourself.

The only culture you have is bacteria

You think that MANIC ACADEMIC RED DWARF FANATICS are evil!

You love defenceless animals, especially with a nice drop of gravy.

You don’t have a photographic memory because you don’t have any film!

You have been fired from at least one job for pilfering cream cakes.

You admire Lister’s figure.

You used to have an open mind, but your brains kept falling out.

If you could play a walk on part in the show it would be as a GELF.

You think that foreplay is thirty minutes of begging.

Many people feel sorry for you but this is just because they don’t know you.

People who know you hate you.

You are sex mad because you don’t get any.

You couldn’t repair your brakes so you made your horn louder!

You think that an innuendo is an Italian suppository.

You think for hours trying to work out the speed of dark!

You think that ‘laughing stock’ are cattle with a sense of humour.

You put stamps on faxes.

You are upset at reading this though secretly you think this analysis is conservative.

GET A LIFE – Watch more Red Dwarf.